This is kind of an accompaniment to Shifting Winds, set towards the end of COTW1. Kowalski's thoughts on the return of the real Ray Vecchio. Apologies to Babybird.

By Cybersyd

Archipelago

Okay, so I start at the beginning.

Man, that sounds so cheesy. Only this is the beginning, right? I have to explain things to you, explain why I . . . Well, why I feel the way I do. I mean, maybe I'm being stupid, melodramatic, I don't know, but I know I have to think though what I feel towards you, towards Vecchio.

I hate him. Never thought it was possible to hate someone I never met before, but I do. I hate him. I mean, he should be the one who attacks me, I guess. I took his name, his job, his family. And you. Or at least I thought I did. But then one word and it's all taken away from me, and I have to wonder whether it was really mine in the first place?

Benny. He called you Benny. I guess that sounds really petty, huh? But I never got to call you Benny, you were just Fraser, you've always been Fraser. I think even Francesca has called you by your first name, but not me. And then you walk into that room and meet a man who's been missing for months, and he welcomes you with a single word. And destroys me.

It's not fair. He chose to give up his life to me, to go running off to some damn stupid undercover job for the Mafia. I mean, he gets to live in luxury whilst I get ripped from my home and then stuck with a Canadian and his deaf wolf for partners! No offence, but it's more than just culture shock. Only you're a great guy, Fraser. I owe you a lot; I owe you my life. Only he's taken that away from me. It's no longer my life, it's his, and hasn't it always been his?

I'm reliving the moment in my mind. You catch a glimpse of him in the corridor, follow him, but you don't say anything. Did you know, then, who it was? Probably not. But then maybe it was something instinctive, y'know, just another example of the bond you and Vecchio have. Would you recognise me if I'd been in his place?

Arrive at the room, open the door, and he's stood there. "Ray." I don't get it at first, dumbass me, but then you say his name again, my name. His name. "Ray Vecchio." I can hear myself repeating it but I can't believe it, walking through the next scene in a state of shock. He reads my badge and I can see the flash of anger in his eyes. Dammit, why should he be angry? He took everything away from me as soon as he opened that door.

Go into the bathroom with him, go through the motions of being shot. He walks out to speak to his goons and I'm just stood there staring at you, because of the look on your face. What? Disbelief, joy, hope, fear, love. And I think I've lost you to him.

This sounds stupid, possessive. I can't help it. I can feel everything slipping from my fingers and he's pulling on the rope. The rope around my neck.

We come out of the room and he stands there and goes on about his wonderful life, the life he's been living in such glory with butlers and god knows what else. You just stand there.

"It's good to see you, Ray."

"It's good to see you too, Benny."

I hate him. Cute? More than cute. Like you belong to him, and he to you, and suddenly I'm out of the picture. Partners. He was your partner way before I came along, he was the one you met when you first came to Chicago, it's his sister who adores you, it's his family who adopted you as one of their own. Not mine. Nothing of mine.

I look across at you now and all I can see is worry in your face, fear that you're about to lose Vecchio again. I can't blame you for that, I mean, if it was you in that hospital, and I was waiting out here, I guess I'd feel the same. Hell, I know I would. But I fear you've forgotten about me.

Francesca appears, and you start mumbling to her about your feelings. Man, it irritates me suddenly, your damn useless ability to deal, to open to her. So I tell her, I snap out the words, and all you can see is her and her brother. Her brother. I even hate him for that, for taking away a sister I never really had.

He took a bullet for you. I never took a bullet for you. Stupid, huh. I'm jealous of him almost getting killed for you. I never wished him dead, I swear, not even now. But I still hate him. You've gone into the room and I'm alone, hoping that when you come out of there I'll still have a partner.

You gotta understand how I feel. Don't you? Everything's gone. He's gonna take everything, my job, my name, my life. I guess it was all his, I guess I knew I'd have to give it up sometime. But I don't want to go back to being Stanley Kowalski - I'm not even sure if I can. If there's anyone to go back to. I was never the greatest of people. But there's more than that, more than the loss of identity.

He's gonna take you away from me, and you're the only thing I can hang on to as a reminder of who I am. I want to go to the door and listen to what you're saying to him, if he's saying anything back, if you're assuring him that everything is going to be the way it was before, so I'll know that I'm nothing but a memory to you. Only I can't, I can't get up, I'm afraid of moving, and I can't feel my legs. Frozen. Part of me wants to run, but I can't. I hate to wait this thing out, to go with you, to risk my neck for you again because you're my friend and I owe you. Maybe I'll get shot and then me and Vecchio will be equal.

You're gonna leave me. I know it. And you can't hear this, none of this is real. Just empty thoughts, nothing to back them up. Story of his life. Empty, hollow, alone. Never felt so alone. They say bad luck follows you around, and I know it to be true. Stella left me. I thought being someone else might be good for a while, because man, I knew I didn't like Stanley. And hey, now that's left me and I no longer have a name, I'm the John Doe of lives. And now you're gonna leave me because he's here. How can I compete with the real thing? Just a shadow puppet without the hands. A reflection of something I've never been.

You come out of the room and we leave together, out on another mission. Got a tip on Muldoon, going off on some revenge kick to avenge your mother's death. Of course I'm coming with you, we're partners, right? Aren't we? I don't know anymore. I want to prove our friendship by going with you. I feel like I'm a man on a drowning ship and you're the only stable thing left to hold on to.

I got this life I never thought that I'd be born with. And now it's gone.

End